words - not more than words, simply words

years ago, when i wanted to write something, i used to take pen and paper immediately and write it all down. i knew it was "the moment". i had no time to lose, i had to write. i had to write simply to throw them all away years later or to lose the ones that were left behind. such loss is inevitable while moving from house to house, from city to city, from heart to heart. and i am no longer sorry for any of them. they won't mean a thing to me now.

but today it is much more difficult to write. there are no more of those "moments". now there are letters and words flying in the air. with the speed of light they fly. some are tied together like DNA spirals, some just hang in the mid-air, they do not let any other letters or words fly near, some are selfish, some are fertile, some fragile, some cheerful, some sad, some are rare like J, some common like A. that's why it is more difficult. "the moment" does not come. i try to collect the words and letters. i reach towards the air and try to pick. sometimes i take the wrong one then let it go. i try again and again and again.

honestly, this is more rewarding...

how ordinary i have become to myself. how have i forgotten that beautiful feeling of regretting. regret that keeps torturing you like the sound of a piece of chalk on the blackboard but then reaches a settlement, when you say "all right, now i understand". is everything so "normal" now?

i think i need to be alone for a while. not the loneliness that i mentioned yesterday. such loneliness does not exist. neither in life nor in death. what i mean is being alone. no jobs, no friends, no family, even no son. the physical loneliness that a person can ever experience. being released from even daily talks. is it a dream? i don't know. one should try.

sağlıcakla...